I Loved Him First

I spent a few days wondering what to blog about as most of my write-ups are either unfinished because of pictures or I need somebody’s input. Then out of the blues one of my besties, Mrs T and I started talking about the Mother-in-law (MIL) vs. Daughter-in-law (DIL) debate. We have had this conversation once or twice and I think it’s one of those things that we had to agree to disagree.

You only need to google ‘ Mother-in-law’ or ‘Daughter-in-law’ to see why this debate has progressively gone from bad to worse. I even read somewhere that MILs are mean, evil and witches. Haba!! And I’m sure if you hear from the MILs… DILs are useless, money-grabbing, greedy sluts.

Indeed, I have heard a lot of crazy stories from both sides and I don’t assume this post will settle the matter. Jamais!

I don’t have a crazy MIL and I’m an uber-cool DIL (*winks). So what is my own in this matter?

Emm… Emmmmm I have a boy child so I am that potential MIL… *groans, covers face, ROTFL*

I’m not ashamed of this fact oh! I am so proud of it. Now you see this is not about having a male child because the African culture postulates that you are a G, a bonafide “woman” when you have a male child. I think that’s crap. I know some ladies will say ohh Zee it’s because you have one and so you are not searching. Me, I know that I had absolutely nothing to do with the sex of my child. That was all God because if you know me … if you’ve read my stories you will know till I held my son in my arms I didn’t … scratch that and insert DID NOT believe I was carrying a baby in my tummy… yes yes… It just sounded crazy to me... Well that’s a story for another day.

Apparently there are three sides to this conflict: the son, the wife/DIL and the MIL.

I remember one time, years ago I went to a women’s programme with my aunt, my uncle’s wife. Now you see my aunt is a pastor and a full time super working mom and she also has a biz on the side and at this time they were living with my Grandmum that’s my uncle’s mum. Not in the same apartment but in the same building. At the end of the programme, participants were asked to write their questions down and the questions were sorted out for each speaker. My aunt got the questions about in-laws and such and as she read out her first question it was about a DIL and a MIL. I settled down in my seat because I was really curious to hear her answer. She said most times a level of patience and understanding is needed. Patience does not mean allowing your MIL to walk over you but rather choosing your battles and words carefully. You can make your point known without undermining your MIL and while still trying to understanding her.

My Aunt lived with her MIL (my Grandmum) for years probably 15 years more or less. And then they moved to their own house complete with Swimming pool and all, the full works. My Grandmum and my uncle are really close. I’ve seen them together. They can sit together for hours and not say a word. Being in each other’s presence is enough. You see something, She loved him first.

A mother’s relationship with her son is one of the most intimate but non-intimate relationships and that’s what this is all about... Relationships. Relationships require a bit of work and a lot of patience.

Being a mother of a boy I have had this discussion with a fellow Mom (of a boy). A part of us groaned with some concern at the fact that somewhere, sometime in the future, there is this baby girl that’s going to come and take our sons. Now we don’t have a problem with that but then she’s going to come and call us a ‘witch’ yessss…. I said it. Agreed there are some MIL- DIL relationships that are just beautiful. You accept her she accepts you but you just step out of line and see the wrath. So for now we can only just pray for the best.

So to my DIL,

Dear DIL, Guess what? I loved him first.

It’s just as simple as that.

Love Zansi

My Grandmum and My Son

P.S

Do you have any crazy MIL-DIL story to share and how are you dealing with it? Or do you have any advice for me so I don’t turn into the crazy MIL? *smiles. 

P.P.S 

These past few weeks it has just been one thing or the other. My heart goes out to the families of the passengers on Malaysian aircraft MH370

And the families of the Nigerian citizens that lost their lives and to those that were injured during the recent NIS job interview.